The Silly Season

Thursday, July 10, 2003
Alistair Henderson
MBDW Staff Writer

Welcome to the silly season.

It's the time of year when football fans experience an excruciating emptiness. Normally wild and fearless, thousands of face-painted madmen wander aimlessly about, stripped of purpose, wondering what the heck to do with themselves for four or five awful weeks.

It's a sort of mid-summer torture probably resulting from some behind closed doors deal between Bud Selig, Paul Tagliabue and Wimbledon. And the women's soccer association was probably there too.

It's the time of year when the only news about football is that a linebacker fell off a ladder while changing a light bulb, or some kid's hero just got shot through the ACL in a bar brawl.

Which reminds me. Question: How many Dolphins does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Five. One to unscrew it and four to pick him up when he falls off the ladder and tears his ACL.

Well, we here at MiamiDolphinsBahamas.com have had enough of this nonsense and frankly we're not going to take it any more. You, the hard working ever-faithful fan deserves better, and we're going to change things. You want to know what your favorite players are up to during this officially imposed silence, and by golly we are going to tell you!

At huge expense, our reporters have fanned out across Florida and elsewhere to scoop the inside stories that other sports reporters have taken a mid-summer vow to keep from you the long suffering fans.

So here it is, a shot of little known football tit-bits to keep you going for a few more days.

Jay Fiedler recently proposed to his fiancée in the Bahamas, and we at miamidolphinsbahamas.com had yet another scoop on our hands. Jay doesn't know this, but staff writer Robert Henderson, posing as a waiter, was there to pop the champagne as Jay popped the question. The future Mrs Fiedler apparently was not about to drop Jay's smooth pass and wasted no time in saying "yes". However, the real reason she accepted so fast was because she was starting to get a little concerned about all the bonding Jay was doing with Brian Griese.

Big Jarvis Borum had a shock in the locker room the other day. The 6'7" 356 lb tackle from North Carolina State thought he heard muffled rap music, but when he got up to boogie he discovered he'd been sitting on Terrell Buckley. TBuck was not amused.

Miami's other great trash talker, Sam Madison, reportedly does it so much at home that his garbage has taken to talking back to him.

When Zach Thomas needs to change a light bulb he calls up brother in law Jason Taylor. Taylor not only has the advantage of not having to stand on a ladder, but also has a neck so is able to look up at the socket.

Jaimie Nails' Achilles tendon and knees, repaired by way of cutting edge bionic technology, have responded amazingly. Last week he posted a 3.9 in the 40 yard dash and did a standing leap of 6'9".

Place kicker Olindo Mare has reportedly vowed never to vow not to cut his hair for some wierd reason again. Last season he says it got so long Mark Royals had to wear his helmet first in order to get enough hair oil on it so it could slip onto Olindo's huge head.

Wally Ogunleye is reportedly still unsigned with less than three weeks to go to training camp. Wally is reportedly a huge Matrix fan and believes that he is the one person who can save the Dolphins from another December meltdown because he has found a way to copy himself, thus making him worth twice as much. Coach Wanny has told Wally to stop wearing his black cape until after negotiations are finalized.

That's it folks. Try to stay focused with old 1972 re-runs, double check your stock of aqua and orange face paint, and above all remember to chant "J-E-T-S SUCK SUCK SUCK before turning out the light each night.

Alistair Henderson can be reached by e-mailing fishface@miamidolphinsbahamas.com. Or you can talk about this story and more on the MDBW Forums message board!